


The Ballad of Joe-lene

by Claire



Category: Christian Bible, The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Crack, Even the angels know Joe/Nicky is endgame OTP, Heaven has karaoke nights, Jesus is a sad boy who likes Nicky and karaoke, M/M, Michael is done with this shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26342263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire/pseuds/Claire
Summary: In which Heaven has a karaoke night, and Jesus still isn't over Nicky leaving him for Joe
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Nicky | Nicolo di Genova/Jesus
Comments: 36
Kudos: 108





	The Ballad of Joe-lene

**Author's Note:**

> There was a prompt on the Old Guard kinkmeme that was:
> 
> Joe is in a committed relationship, but "Jolene" Nicky's got his eye on Joe's partner.
> 
> Or so Joe thinks.
> 
> Joe asks Nicky to leave them, all earnest and sweet, and when Joe's partner breaks Joe's heart by breaking things off... Nicky swoops in and takes Joe away.
> 
> ([x](https://theoldguardkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/2726.html?thread=603302#cmt603302))
> 
> And then the OP added this:
> 
> Look, I know, I know JOElene, but the only relationship Joe's ever broken up was Nicky/Jesus, and quietly intense not necessarily typically seductive Nicky is amazing!
> 
> So, here is depressed!Jesus, singing his pain about losing Nicky to Joe.
> 
> Sorry.

There was, Michael thought, as he watched one of the lower cherubim bounce around the stage that had been erected in the silver city, a distinct downside to being an archangel.

"You'd think they'd ban her songs," Gabriel said as he sat down, sliding a glass in front of Michael. "Y'know, considering the deal she made with one of Luke's guys."

Michael stared at the lurid pink cocktail on the table.

"You look like you could use it," Gabriel offered. "Also, it's an open bar."

Michael frowned. "There isn't a bar." There was never a bar. All there was was the never ending flow of wine that Jesus provided. Seriously, teach a kid one magic trick and he rides its coattails for millennia. Hadn't anyone in this place heard of a nice blended scotch?

"No, Michael, there _wasn't_ a bar," countered Gabriel. "There is now quite an extensive bar. One containing a lot of alcohol. I left Lepha in charge. Last time I looked, she was mixing up blue stuff and sending Hasmed to try and find more miniature cherries."

Michael poked the glass, a little concerned about the way the pink stuff in it wobbled. "What exactly is this?"

"Honestly, I don't actually know," admitted Gabriel. "I know there's vodka and rum in there. Possibly unicorn tears."

Michael narrowed his eyes. They'd better not have raided the stash of unicorn tears; it wasn't Gabriel who'd been sent to collect them. (It's a time Michael hates thinking about. Unicorns are notorious hard bastards, and it's not the easiest of jobs to get one to tear up. Even the puppy hadn't worked. Which was just ridiculous, if you asked Michael. What kind of psychopath didn't tear up when puppies were threatened? It hadn't helped that the cute little shit had then peed on Michael, presumably in revenge for threatening to bleed it out until it was nothing but a withered puppy husk. The unicorns had, of course, found this hilarious and had laughed so much they'd cried. So Michael was still viewing it as a win. Didn't mean he wanted to go through it again, though.)

"Whatever it is, though," Gabriel continued, "it's better than wine, wine, or, ooh what's this? Nope, it's more wine. Especially when he insists on using sea water. I mean, for Dad's sake, he's had 2000 years of doing this. Surely he's learned how to remove the salt by now."

Gabriel paused as the MC - Was that Cassiel? Michael wondered. It looked like Cassiel. Except with a lot more glitter than he was usually wearing - invited the next angel to come up on stage and take the mic. "Ooh, Lizzo," Gabriel grinned as the music started. "Good call, Barachiel!" he yelled, just before the normally staid angel started singing about slapping his ass in a mirror.

Michael pinched the bridge of his nose as the cherubs on the table next to him all screamed and started singing along with the chorus. He was sure the small pulsing at the back of his head was the start of a migraine, and wondered if that was a good enough reason to leave now, or if Raphael would track him down and drag him back. Knowing Raph, it was probably the latter.

"Why are you even here?" Gabriel asked, not knowing that Michael had been asking himself the same question for the last fifty thousand years. "You hate these things."

"It's good for the lower angels to see us here. Makes us more approachable," Michael answered. After all, as one of the archangels, he _should_ be approachable. The other angels _should_ be able to come up to any of the arches and ask advice. Although, honestly, once they realised that there wasn't a single problem that couldn't be solved by a flaming sword, they'd find their lives would become much easier.

Gabriel just looked at him, like he absolutely suspected what Michael just told him was a steaming pile of rubbish. "You totally weren't quick enough to bail when Raph said one of us had to be here tonight," he finally decided, repeatedly poking Michael in the arm.

Michael glanced around, hoping that if he avoided the question long enough Gabriel would just let it go. The problem being, Gabriel had never _just let anything go_. "Fine!" Michael sighed, slapping Gabriel's finger away as it went in for another poke. "And I totally wasn't quick enough to bail when Raph said one of us had to be here tonight." He dropped his head to the table, wondering when his life took this turn. It was only a few thousand years ago that he was vanquishing dragons, and now he's reduced to seriously considering drowning his sorrows in lurid pink liquid during bad karaoke. (It should be known that the dragon - _"Oh, please, call me Quentin--"_ \- hadn't actually needed much vanquishing, in the end. Once Michael had explained that all of the local farmers were getting twitchy about having a large, fire-breathing creature next to their crops, Quentin was quite understanding, and had agreed to go and visit his grandmother in Abyssinia for the next century.)

Gabriel patted his shoulder in a slight uncomfortable show of solidarity. "At least it's nearly over, and Raphael won't be able to guilt you into attending another one of these for the next decade."

Lifting his head up, and absently peeling off the drinks coaster that had stuck itself to his forehead before dropping it back on the table, Michael conceded that Gabriel had a point. Raph was annoying, but he was fair. He'll have marked somewhere on that clipboard he constantly carried around with him that Michael had attended tonight and, therefore, was off the hook for the next few karaoke nights. ('Best night in Heaven!' the posters proclaimed. Michael disagreed.)

"That," Michael said, "is a very good point."

It was at that moment, the MC (Seriously? Where did Cassiel even get that much glitter??) announced it was time for the last singer for the night. Michael felt his heart soar. All he had to do was sit through one more terrible rendition of ABBA, or something equally as demonic, and then he was home free. (It often surprised people to discover that ABBA were, in fact, from the Pits of Hell. The group had been formed by four lower demons who had been on Earth and seen the 1968 Eurovision Song Contest and had fallen in love with it. They'd decided to stop tempting humans and turned all of their efforts into getting into the contest. 1974 had seen a huge party in Hell when they'd actually won the entire thing. There was a good chance that Michael still had a copy of the original _Mammon Mia_ that they'd recorded, before Lucifer had made them change the name of the song. "It's a little obvious," he'd said, when he'd met Michael for their monthly catch-up. "We're still trying to keep a low profile after that entire Elvis debacle.")

Looking at the stage, Michael felt the heart that had previously been soaring through the skies plummet to the ground like a burning stone. No. Absolutely not.

"Mike?" Gabriel sounded concerned. "You look like you're about to throw up. Do you need a bucket? Should I get a bucket?"

Swallowing heavily, Michael kept his eyes on the singer who had just stepped up. "Why is he on stage?"

"Well," Gabriel commented, stretching the word out for far longer than it really needed, "it's a karaoke night, so I'm hazarding a guess that he's going to sing."

Michael glared at his brother. "I know what he's doing there. I meant _what_ is he _doing_ there?"

"Yeah, that's the same question."

Michael gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. Maybe he was imagining it. Maybe Jesus hadn't just walked onto stage, bold as anything, and taken the microphone from Cassiel. He opened his eyes, hoping to see anyone else on stage. (He'd even take Temeluchus at this point, and considering the one and only time Tem had taken part in karaoke night, he'd chosen to sing _The Rise and Fall of Bossanova_ , that was saying something.)

Unfortunately, Michael's wishes were for naught, and Jesus was still standing there. "Raphael told me he wasn't signed up to sing. I specifically asked that."

Gabriel sighed at him. It was a sigh that said many words. Mainly ones about how much of an idiot Michael was. "Michael, when will you learn? Raph will tell you exactly what he has to, to get you to agree to what he wants. How do you think he got away with that little 'sabbatical' with Tobias in the desert? He asked Dad right after he agreed with him that the platypus was a good idea."

Huh. Michael had always wondered how Raphael got their Dad to agree to that. Although, it did get them the platypus, and Michael did think they were adorable little bastards. Ultimately useless, but still adorable.

Michael's thoughts of fuzzy duck-billed cuties were cut short by Jesus' voice coming over the speakers. He was telling everyone there that he was dedicating the song he was about to sing to the only man he ever loved.

And the last spark of Michael's hope was snuffed out like a tiny flame in torrential rain. The ringing death knell of Michael's dream that Jesus would maybe step on stage and sing something that wasn't about Nicolo damn di Genova. 

_Once I had a lovely priest  
Being mine was once his avow  
Now his love for me has ceased  
Yusuf's the one in his heart now_

Every. Single. Time.

_Nicky  
You started out as my Crusader knight  
Those days are over  
Now you look at him like he's your only light  
Nicky  
You are going to kiss that man tonight  
Take him in your body  
Why does his touch make you burn so bright_

It was worse than an obsession.

_They met, they fought, their swords entwined  
They lived, unable to die  
They kissed, Nicolo fell under his spell  
A love I wanted to deny_

Picking up the cocktail that was still in front of him, Michael knocked it back in one, shivering at the burn of the alcohol as it went down.

"Maybe it won't be so bad--" Gabriel offered, his lips snapping shut as the music started to play, both of them instantly recognising the tune. "Or maybe it will."

"Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf  
I'm begging of you please don't take my man  
Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf  
Please don't take him just because you can--"

Michael felt his left eye starting to twitch. Reaching out, he took the cocktail that was in front of Gabriel (it was green, that was all he knew about it), and knocked that one back as well, ignoring the tiny _Hey! That was mine--_ that came from his brother.

"You met him during the crusades  
You died upon each other's blades  
It linked your lives in oh so many ways  
You each fought for your god above  
But soon that hate turned into love  
And I cannot compete with that  
Yusuf--"

"Maybe this will help him get over it," Gabriel commented. "You know, singing out his pain."

"Get over it? It's been 917 years, Gabe," Michael pointed out. "How long does he need to get over it? Maybe he should stop singing and go to therapy, instead."

"He talks about you in his prayers  
And nothing that I do compares  
To everything he sees in you  
Yusuf  
You hold him close during the night  
He looks at you like you're the light  
Now you're the only one inside  
His heart--"

It wasn't as though Michael wasn't sympathetic, not at first, anyway. It was hard getting over a first love and Jesus had always been the sensitive type. But there were only so many times you could hear someone go on and on about their ex before you wanted to point out that maybe the way they were acting was the reason said person was no longer with them. After all, there was being sad a relationship didn't work out and there was serving up pet rabbit casserole for dinner, and Jesus, in Michael's opinion, was getting a little too close to the bunny boiling end for comfort.

"Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf  
I'm begging of you please don't take my man  
Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf  
Please don't take him just because you can--"

And he couldn't exactly blame Nicolo. After the 47th time Jesus had mentioned it ("Nicolo has beautiful penmanship, I've never seen anyone write my name the way he does when he's transcribing the parables--" this, and "When I was turning the sea water into wine, I was reminded of the colour of Nicolo's eyes--" that), Michael had actually gone to Adamah (and why did the humans decide to call their plane of existence 'Earth'. Couldn't they have thought of something better? 'Hey, welcome to our home, we call it 'dirt''). He'd gone, and he'd found Nicolo and the man he'd put everything aside for.

The problem Jesus had was that Yusuf al-Kaysani was -- how did the cherubs put it? -- oh, yes. Yusuf al-Kaysani was, in fact, _a snack_. A snack that Nicolo di Genova very clearly wanted to nibble on until the end of time.

Michael had known within seconds of seeing the two of them together, that there was no way Nicolo was ever going to leave the man he had dedicated his life to, and Yusuf blatantly had no intention of being anywhere but by Nicolo's side. The two of them looked at each other like there was no one else in the world. He watched them move together, perfectly in balance, and the love between them shone brighter than the lights of Heaven itself.

Michael also discovered that Nicolo was a lot more flexible than he looked at first glance.

"The love you have will never falter  
Thinking of that time in Malta  
Now I know he's gone from me  
Yusuf  
You're the only love he'll know  
Wherever in the world you go  
Take care of our Nicolo  
Yusuf--"

"I know he wants Nicolo to come back to him, but he doesn't have a hope, does he?" Gabriel asked, flagging down a passing cherubim, and sending them off to get more drinks.

Michael shook his head. "Honestly, if we gave Luke a snowball for his birthday this year, I'd give that more of a chance."

"Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf  
I'm begging of you please don't take my love  
Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf, Yusuf  
Please don't take him even though you have  
Yusuf, Yusuf--"

Michael nodded his thanks, as Gabriel slid one of the new cocktails that had arrived on the table over to him. Again, he had no idea what was in it, apart from something very purple, but he was starting to appreciate the concept of the open bar that had no wine anywhere to be seen.

Gabriel smiled as he lifted his glass. "Here's to true love that lasts the ages, yes?"

Michael met the smile with one of his own, as he tapped his glass lightly against Gabriel's, thinking of Yusuf al-Kaysani and Nicolo di Genova. "Indeed."

**Author's Note:**

> The songs Jesus has re-written and sung at various karaoke nights that Michael is remembering are:
> 
> Secret Love by Doris Day  
> Roxanne by The Police  
> Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus
> 
> The one he's singing here is, of course, Jolene by Dolly Parton


End file.
